This is what depression looks like. $2000 worth of parts and pieces and watches, just sitting there, in a pile, unsorted, unused, ignored, going on three weeks now. How sad is that? I have some really great stuff in there! But no, it’s just piled in the corner, and every day it mocks me a little louder.

Also I’m really angry, like, all the time, it takes all my energy to just not run around screaming “Idiot!” all the time, so by the time I get home all I want to do is eat pizza or fries, really I eat a lot fries when I’m low, and watch Star Trek re-runs, preferrably Voyager seasons 4 through 7. So nothing gets done, days slip into weeks, and suddenly I wake up at 5AM and realize I’m on the wrong side of the due date for applications for the Queen West Art Crawl… merde.

IDIOT!!

So, here I am, at 7AM on Good Friday, angry, depressed, and drinking coffee. Coffee is good, puppy snuggles are kitty snuggles are also good, but I don’t get to do those all day do I? No! I have to go to stupid work and do my stupid job and deal with stupid people (they’re not stupid) and JEEZ!

BUT! Today, I have a day, to myself, to do with what I want. This is good. I’ve taken my happy vitamins, which I’ve not been taking, because one of the side effects of depression is the avoidance of doing the things that make you feel better. Even writing this all down is hard, because writing about your feelings makes you feel better, insidious catch-22 eh? Fun! It’s like depression is self-protecting and it will stop you from doing things that will harm it (make you better), showers? Hell no, you’re better stinky and greasy. Healthy food? Pshhaw! You want to gain a few pounds and break out from all the fried foods! Sleep a normal amount a night? Ha! You will go to bed at 7pm and still not be able to get out of bed 12 hours later or you won’t sleep at all, black bags under your eyes are sexy! Exercise? Well actually I’ve been doing that one because the exercises do actually make my back feel better and I think depression knows that letting my back go is a bad idea. Likely that is the ONLY thing that has stopped me from descending in the bowels of depression that I know are there, I can see them from here, and I really really don’t want to go down there. Its really hard to get back up once you go all the way down…

Does anyone else get angry when they get depressed? I don’t get depressed like the people on the antidepressant commercials, all sad and grey and looking out windows and shit. I get up, I go out, talk to people, do stuff, normal things, but I hate every single second of it and I hate everyone. Like, I seriously hate everyone right now, and everything, work is terrible (it’s no worse or better than it has been for the past 6 years) and I’ve been chanting to myself all week “I quit. I quit. I quit.” I haven’t, because I have a mortgage, but holy crap does THAT make me angry too! And then I’m all like “Fuck it, if we sell the house, I can quit my job” – which is a totally rational and reasonable thought to be having, totally. This thought is usually followed with “And if I need money I can sell all my possessions/collections” – because sure, selling knick-knicks and vintage tea cups would absolutely pay my rent, right, uh-huh, sure. And not having all my things would make me feel soooo much better, absolutely, of course! Who needs things!?

Depressed Emma should not be allowed to make any serious life decisions, ever.
You’d think she should also not have access to money or credit cards, but you’d be wrong. Shopping for me is a happy-fun occasion, I don’t spend money if I’m depressed, save on Taxis and pizza (and I don’t eat when I’m depressed either, so it’s really just Taxis). Depressed Emma is actually more fiscally responsible than normal Emma, funny no? And she’ll do things like pay off Normal Emma’s Visa, cuz really, both of them are still the adult version of young Emma who grew up poor and money is still perishable and something you need to get rid of before it disappears. And Depressed Emma doesn’t like drinking, so no Drunk Emma to mess things up for everybody. Shit, maybe there is no Depressed Emma, maybe she’s Responsible Emma and she’s just angry at having to clean up the messes everyone else makes? That wouldn’t explain the headaches though.

Right, headaches, I have them, they suck. I’m never sure if I get headaches because I’m depressed or if I get depressed when I get headaches. Regardless, they both suck, I hate them, and if they were people I would angry cry at them right now the big jerks.

In the grand scheme of things my head aches aren’t that bad. If I had to rate them on a pain scale they’d be about a 3, not a lot, just constant, 24/7, pressure, in my head, and my neck. The depressed headache is different than the pain headache, I get those when the weather changes, I’m one of those people, I know when a storm is coming because the barometric pressure tries to squeeze my brains out through my nose. That kind of headache, if I catch it early enough, will respond to vaso-dialators and NSAIDs (Sudafed and Naproxen), this “I hate everything” headache is just a dull grey aching in my whole head. Its like I’m seeing the world through a grey filter.

I described depression once as the feeling that *this* world, the one seen through the grey fog, this is the real world. There’s a remembrance, and familiarity to it. It’s like being not-depressed, being happy was a dream and waking up into this grey colourless angry world, this is the real world.

That is a lie.

Just like the cake.

So, today, I am up early, I have done things already, and I will do more and hopefully at some point I’ll stop being so angry at everything. And would it be too much to ask the sun to come out today? I mean, it’s almost April for fucks sake, APRIL! JEEZ! … /deep breath (I’ll really work on that angry thing some more.)

I took a reading week of work, ostensibly to do craft-work. I did not. I did however read a lot of comics and watch a lot of TV (Seriously, go watch Black Mirror, do it now!) and I did a little “arguing on the internet”, so no different than a usual week really save that I didn’t leave the house or put on pants if I didn’t have to; it was too cold to walk the dogs on pj’s.

Now its the weekend I suddenly have things to do and people to see! Crazy! Ah well, I should know better than to try and do anything in January and February, these are the hibernation months. But it’s all melty and mucky and warm outside and soon it will be spring and I’ll have gardens and seeds and craft shows oh my.

My advice to everyone; take a week off from time to time and allow yourself to do nothing. It’s glorious.

Ta!

I’m doing a contest with Covet Garden (picture is a link!)! Wooooo! Go to my Etsy shop and select your favourite heart and then email Covet Garden (contest@covetgarden.com) give them your deets and tell them which heart is your fave! It’s that simple! They’ll be announcing 6 winners and you could be one of them! Wooo! Happy Valentines Day indeed!

I don’t usually mix my online identities but I kinda feel like I need to address this.

Yesterday, on twitter, a friend tweeted that she thought she’s found the whitest, male-est, conference panel ever, with a link.

(If you’re unaware of why an all-white/male panel at a conference is an issue, please go read this: http://www.good.is/posts/why-white-men-should-refuse-to-be-on-panels-of-all-white-men/)

So I clicked the link, and lo, the final speaker was Scott Stratten of UnMarketing, who I’ve seen speak twice, and who I follow on twitter! (@unmarketing)

So I tweeted at him about the all-white, all-male nature of the panel, and this happened:

And then some other people saw the tweets and they retweeted and tweeted to their followers and so on and so on as is the nature of twitter.

The result? Nothing much, some people got excited, some people go offended, I got snarky, he got snippy, tempers flared all round, misunderstandings abounded, yay internet! And pretty much nothing happened and nothing changed for anyone anywhere (save I now have a few more awesome and loud feminists on my flist!).

Was I a little hyperbolic? Sure. Was I wrong? No, and here’s why:

Women are still a “special interest” group, a demographic that is underrepresented in nearly all fields all the time, business, executives, speakers, politics, engineering, just everything everywhere save modelling or prostitution or unpaid labour. Pointing that fact out should not be controversial or upsetting. I didn’t blame Scott for the line-up of the panel he was speaking at, I didn’t yell at him for speaking at such homogeneous panel, and I didn’t accuse him of being racist or sexist. I had assumed (love that word!) that he would acknowledge the issue and I’d be all “Yes! One for our team!” even if he wasn’t going to address it that very second, because even just acknowledging the lack of diversity is a kind of victory.

But no, the conversation did not go that way, and being on the internet it got very loud and angry for a bit before it got quiet again. I just want to point out, again, that I like Scott, I don’t think he’s sexist or racist, I’ve seen him speak twice through my job and I think he’s an entertaining speaker. So having someone you’ve met and like  (I’m sure he has no idea who I am) seemingly dismiss what is a real and tangible issue for more than ½ the population of the planet, well it’s a little annoying, to say the least. And of course the flip side being that Scott does advocate for women and diversity and he didn’t take it well when being accused of being part of the problem. Good times were had by all, sort of.

I also want to point out that my superb training in WASP culture and being raised a ‘Lady’ has ever fibre in my being wanting to apologize at this point, and dammit, I’m not going to! Because, and this is the actual final point; I think Scott does have a responsibility regarding the events he speaks at, he’s not allowed to wash his hands of it. If you are a public persona (even if its just on twitter) then your image is part of your job. If you don’t want your image tarnished by appearing at the wrong panel or being the keynote speaker at the wrong conference then it’s your job to make sure you’re not at the wrong event in the first place. And for someone who is a feminist, who does promote diversity, then that means making sure the conferences you speak at represent that too.

That’s all I wanted to say.

Also, being on the internet and Scott being an online social media kinda guy I figure he’ll use this in one of his slideshows one day, so I want a record for the future people that may come looking for me to tell me Scott is the least sexist or racist person they know and that I’m just wrong. Hi future people!

*update*
And then, on teh twitters later today but only after I post this, I see:

Scott’s a keynote at the 3% Conference. 3% being about how 97% of creative directors are men and only 3% are women. So good for Scott and the 3%, kinda wish I was going, I’m sure he’ll be awesome, and if mentions this but doesn’t link to here, I’ll be sad.

Last night I made a pie because the apples and berries were getting soft.
I made the pastry from scratch too, much easier than I thought.
The cheesy muffins go well with the coconut curry pea soup, also both from scratch.

Is there anything better than homemade food during these long dark days? Ok wine is close true, but cheeeeeesy muffins! With Rosemary! Yum!

I have a million projects to get started on and I have no motivation, at all. Perhaps February?

But I am seriously in love with this cleanser! It’s so nice, mild, gentle, and not drying! I do alternate with Pond cold cream, especially in the winter, but this stuff works great with my Clarisonic facial brush. So good! (True story: I use this all over, as a body and face wash, excellent exfoliator and so good for the back and cleavage areas!)

And this stuff is SOOOO awesome! Very light, but very moisturizing and its totally killing any and all small pimples or breakouts. This stuff is magic. But be warned, it’s got some rather burny stuff in it (not sure if it’s vitamin C or retinol), so the first time you use it expect some “tingle”, but after that it’s all good. Also, it will sting if you have broken skin. But that just means its working! Right? And I swear to everything I hold dear, it has reduces my lip wrinkles, which is something only I care about, but I swear it makes them go away! Love it!

And speaking of burning…

I am old now and need eye cream, because my eye lids are all crepe-y now apparently. And the Hope in a Jar specifically says avoid eye area, and trust me on this, they mean that. If you get that shit in your eyes expect to cry all day cuz it stings like a mofo. So I got this stuff for my eye area instead. And apparently I don’t need advanced treatment or my skin isn’t made of lead, because after just 3 days of using this stuff I had open weeping WOUNDS on my eyelids. So, yeah, too strong for me, back to the Vitamin E cream for me eyes. If you need something super strong to burn your wrinkles away this is the product for you. Also, it won’t sting your eyes, just your eye lids, which is weird.

That is all.

Keep your skin hydrated people! It’s winter out there!

We are home from our travels! The Rock was lovely as always! And as always it is way too freaking hard to get back to work, the mornings start way too early and the puppies do not like walking in the cold! Luckily they got some awesome sweaters and hoodies from Santa, so expect some fashion shoots shortly!

Other than eating, sleeping, reading, and reluctantly going to work I’ve done nothing yet this year save injure my knee at a dinner party simply by sitting down, so this is what turning 40 is like eh? Not sure I like that at all!

I have plans and schemes and things I really need to get ON! But the winter blahs are so hard to overcome when every time you sit down on the couch two warm puppies join you and force you to nap! So hard!

But the days are noticeably longer now, so at least its not midnight at 4pm anymore, that means spring is just around the corner, and that means warmth and growing things and gardening, I can’t hardly wait! Your garden is never as good as it will be next year, and I’m ready! :)

Thats all I got. I will be making more things, I have such silly things to post! I just need to get out from under the animal pile one day and just do it! And I will! Soon! Honest!

Keep warm peeps! Ta!

I make things from maps! Do you cufflinks links look like these?

Hello CBC listeners!

I do have an Etsy shop online here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/LandfillDesigns unfortunately I do not have any map necklaces or cufflinks up as of this moment!

I will change that this evening! If you’re interested in a specific city or country, let me know, I can do custom orders lickety-split! :)

In the mean time, please enjoy the various cameos I have up and my silly blog posts!

Thanks for stopping by, and thanks for the bump to Metro Morning! :)

Woo!

-Emma

PS – I also make steampunky/timetravler cufflinks like this: http://landfilldesigns.ca/why-what-do-you-stay-up-until-1am-doing/

In through the window!